UNDERCONSTRUCTION...

REROUTE TO www.wilderinreallife.com

A little more...

Here I am in HWLC (Harold Washington Library Center) awaiting a phone call that could change my path, but isn't everything in life like that. Anyway so I'm suppose to hear back from a writing internship I interviewed for on Tuesday. Of course I'm playing ping pong in my head and jumping every time my phone goes off. I really hope I get it. If I don't I crawl in a hole and cry, well maybe not. I'm suppose to be job hunting right now you know the drill "don't all your eggs in one basket."

All I can do is wait and hope that the universe will send me this. Moving right along.

It's Friday and the temperature is in in the 20s and I'm not in the mood to frolic all over downtown (mainly The Loop), but then again what else can I do?

I'll admit that my life has become a bit of routine that I'm so desperately trying to break out of. I'm still in my shell a bit and afraid to put myself out there to meet people. Don't get me wrong I've met some great ones since I've been here, but as a writer hell as a journalist I get my jobs through networking.



Alright enough sulking...I'll update later on the internship.

P.S.

Wilder in Real Life is going to be a little more transparent these days.

Don't Leave Me Alone with This CHICK!

Has there ever been a person you've tried to avoid, but there was no way you could escape him/her?


Well right now I'm having a problem with escaping...myself. I'm doing everything in my power to avoid alone time, quality time, or time out with "numero uno." I've found that in the real world you spend the majority of your time alone, at least in the beginning of adulthood. For a while I thought I was cool with kicking it solo, watching a movie, going to dinner, or a museum because I do it all the time.
There is this thing that a dear friend of mine likes to call "dating yourself." Hanging out is a small portion of this concept. The meat of it is figuring what you like and dislike, the type of person you are (honestly), expectations, and/or addressing issues.

And you know what? I'm so not in the mood to do this. It looks like the universe or whomever is conspiring for me to concentrate on my Personal Relationship. I know this because every time I've tried to set up some sort of outting, people flake, back out, changed their minds, or have other plans. I'm not suppose to be out and and about right now, at least not this weekend. If I'm out then it's suppose to be with myself.

ME: But really, do I have to do this right now?

DIVINE SPIRIT/GOD/UNIVERSE: Yes.




ME to MYSELF: Alright Wilder, we need to sit down and talk.

Growing Pains of the Mind

So, I was taking the train this morning trying to come up with a plan B. Turns out it's my last resort plan. I've only been in Chicago for 6 months + and I'm already turning to the do or die. Right now at this very moment I'm not in the mood to go through any extended process if I don't have to (looks like I do though). Jobs don't work that way and life doesn't either.

It could be perhaps I have a ton of other things on my mind that I should probably address while trying to move forward. Nothing's worse than a brain concentrating on something else when you need it to work properly.

Anyway so the title of this entry "Growing Pains of the Mind" is about the things you go through that only exist in your head. You're sad, worried, anxious, confused, etc. How do you deal with these things? I'd love to be like some of my resilient friends and brush stuff off and keep moving. Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit and I am one of those people. My friends are not saying they don't think about problems/issues they've been through, they just don't dwell. I guess right now I have this desire to fast forward through the "struggling" part of my life and get to easy street or when things get better.

I'll take a step back and look at this.

Who says things will be later on? What I go forward too far and miss an opportunity? Well, I don't have the option to be frozen in a capsule or have access to the remote control for life. What I do have is time to do whatever and whenever. I'll kick myself later if I don't take advantage of it. Today I'm kicking myself for not being anywhere near to being stable.

So, I'm going to tell myself this, 'Self, get out of your head.'

On Love

Well Valentine's Day is this weekend and it's only appropriate that I address this day of foolishness, well not directly. This holiday is an annual memorandum for women who suffer from "bitter single life", a do or die for significant others to fill the day with the pink and red madness, and a bullshit way for retail to get a little biz in it's down period (I'm just saying). It's the love holiday of the romantic persuasion.

BUT REALLY...

I've had some time to assess what love is and what it's been made out to be. Pull up a chair and get your notebook.

I read a fellow blogger's post, maddecentmaf.blogspot.com, about his take on it. This wasn't necessarily a male's perspective because I wasn't seeking one. I sought a completely honest and pure answer of what it is and means. He said it plain and simple, love is the same way you feel and care about yourself for another person. Let's leave out what we've seen in romantic comedies and Disney movies. When we peel away all of the subcategories we find the same thing.

I found myself looking for love. How can I look for something I already have? I blame the brainwashing, the romanticized part of it. It's put out in radiowaves that we're suppose to find that one person who encompasses this special kind of love that we should want and need. Now don't get me wrong having a companion is wonderful, but if we seek love how can we see and appreciate what we already have.

If we're meant to have a companion for the rest of our lives then it will be. We can't think for a second that we can not function without this all encompassing love because we can. We do it now and tomorrow. As long as we have friends and family, then we're never without love.

Throwing Salt on Your Own Wound

At the moment I'm walking around with an open wound, still fresh and bleeding, and I can't wait for it to clot. Sometimes you pick at it simply because it's there and perhaps the healing process is annoying with the itching, the reminders. Mine isn't itching, I'm staring at mine in shock that's there. Did this just happen to me? Has it only been a week? I'm handling things better than I thought until I get alone with my thoughts and I can only hear my heart beating.

Right now I just did something that could've caused an uncomfortable sensation for the wound, salt. I don't know why I did this. Nevermind, yes I do and it's called denial.

We go through things in life and sometimes we make ourselves hurt worse than needed. Perhaps it's the healing process and we sometimes through ourselves into it so that it can be over quicker. I know this really doesn't make any sense. Life changes too rapidly for us to dwell on wounds, put a bandage on it and be careful with it. If you don't we'll get fixated by it giving the opportunity for something else to occur that isn't favorable. We focus on that and it's a cycle.

Personal Legend

If you recognize these words then you've probably read The Alchemist, a friend loaned me the book because I could use the message of the book. She was right. I tried reading the book a few months ago and I was half interested. I thought to myself o.k. we got this young sheperd roaming different lands with his flock, I'm not in the mood *closes book*. I usually love my page turners with some crazy romance, suspense thriller, or some intricate witty novel, but this one I'm taking my time with. I'm only on pg. 40 and I don't want the book to end. I have to say this is reminiscent of the Job and right now I'm started to feel like him.

Last week I was hit with a tough issue and a hard lesson learned. As the issue escalated it seemed like things were falling apart all around me. Now that I think about it, everything wasn't falling apart just back into place. I'll admit I lost track of what is important to me. Notice I haven't blogged in several weeks and it wasn't because I landed the job of my dreams. In the aftermath I wasn't feeling well and I stayed at home for a few days, something I haven't done since I've been in Chicago. After these days of rest I got up to face the world. It was scary because everything seemed so different. Everyday has it's purpose and it's your job to find out what it is and never see it as a day wasted.

But back to the Personal Legend, since I've neglected my reason for being (writing) I felt my life becoming this blackhole and life wasn't making sense anymore. Yes, people it was that serious. I am a writer my dear readers and in order for me to make a living off of my craft, I'll have to pour my heart out and create for my soul and you. If you haven't found out what you're suppose to seek in your life, be proactive and look, because if you don't you're merely existing. So for those who haven't read The Alchemist, at some point you need to. The first 40 pages reaffirmed the power of writing.

The Bad Decade

I want to apologize to my readers for taking my week off, but I needed it. You would think that because writing is my outlet that I would've came up with 10 new posts. I had to click the "refresh" button on the Wilder browser. I feel better and focused sometimes all you need to do is get away, just for a minute.

Back to the regularly scheduled program.

Today, I was at work conversing with a spunky older lady who comes into my store all the time and she said something that I've been hearing over the past week, 'This was a bad decade.'

Now, I'm only 23 so I haven't really experienced what it means to have a bad decade or year for that matter. Ms. Spunky wasn't refering to her life because many people don't break down their life into bad years or decades. Maybe it's just how life is, it gets rough and you recover. She was refering to the world, "I think people wanted to stay inside this year and be with loved ones." I usually ignore the world when it comes to my NYE reflection, but today I said to myself 'Wow, things didn't really start off promising in the new millenium.

I recall ringing in 2000 in my bed ready to pull the covers over my head because everyone said the world was going to end, computers would explode, or all major cities would just shut down. Well, nothing happened but as the years started rolling by a lot of unfortunate things were happening left and right. Today I think I'll initiate a new tradition and save NYD for pumping all the good energy I can for the world. I haven't gotten the logistics of it down, but I'm pretty sure you'll hear about it in 2011.

This will be my first really significant decade, the first one of my adult life and my hope is that there will be room for hope.