UNDERCONSTRUCTION...

REROUTE TO www.wilderinreallife.com

A little more...

Here I am in HWLC (Harold Washington Library Center) awaiting a phone call that could change my path, but isn't everything in life like that. Anyway so I'm suppose to hear back from a writing internship I interviewed for on Tuesday. Of course I'm playing ping pong in my head and jumping every time my phone goes off. I really hope I get it. If I don't I crawl in a hole and cry, well maybe not. I'm suppose to be job hunting right now you know the drill "don't all your eggs in one basket."

All I can do is wait and hope that the universe will send me this. Moving right along.

It's Friday and the temperature is in in the 20s and I'm not in the mood to frolic all over downtown (mainly The Loop), but then again what else can I do?

I'll admit that my life has become a bit of routine that I'm so desperately trying to break out of. I'm still in my shell a bit and afraid to put myself out there to meet people. Don't get me wrong I've met some great ones since I've been here, but as a writer hell as a journalist I get my jobs through networking.



Alright enough sulking...I'll update later on the internship.

P.S.

Wilder in Real Life is going to be a little more transparent these days.

Don't Leave Me Alone with This CHICK!

Has there ever been a person you've tried to avoid, but there was no way you could escape him/her?


Well right now I'm having a problem with escaping...myself. I'm doing everything in my power to avoid alone time, quality time, or time out with "numero uno." I've found that in the real world you spend the majority of your time alone, at least in the beginning of adulthood. For a while I thought I was cool with kicking it solo, watching a movie, going to dinner, or a museum because I do it all the time.
There is this thing that a dear friend of mine likes to call "dating yourself." Hanging out is a small portion of this concept. The meat of it is figuring what you like and dislike, the type of person you are (honestly), expectations, and/or addressing issues.

And you know what? I'm so not in the mood to do this. It looks like the universe or whomever is conspiring for me to concentrate on my Personal Relationship. I know this because every time I've tried to set up some sort of outting, people flake, back out, changed their minds, or have other plans. I'm not suppose to be out and and about right now, at least not this weekend. If I'm out then it's suppose to be with myself.

ME: But really, do I have to do this right now?

DIVINE SPIRIT/GOD/UNIVERSE: Yes.




ME to MYSELF: Alright Wilder, we need to sit down and talk.

Growing Pains of the Mind

So, I was taking the train this morning trying to come up with a plan B. Turns out it's my last resort plan. I've only been in Chicago for 6 months + and I'm already turning to the do or die. Right now at this very moment I'm not in the mood to go through any extended process if I don't have to (looks like I do though). Jobs don't work that way and life doesn't either.

It could be perhaps I have a ton of other things on my mind that I should probably address while trying to move forward. Nothing's worse than a brain concentrating on something else when you need it to work properly.

Anyway so the title of this entry "Growing Pains of the Mind" is about the things you go through that only exist in your head. You're sad, worried, anxious, confused, etc. How do you deal with these things? I'd love to be like some of my resilient friends and brush stuff off and keep moving. Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit and I am one of those people. My friends are not saying they don't think about problems/issues they've been through, they just don't dwell. I guess right now I have this desire to fast forward through the "struggling" part of my life and get to easy street or when things get better.

I'll take a step back and look at this.

Who says things will be later on? What I go forward too far and miss an opportunity? Well, I don't have the option to be frozen in a capsule or have access to the remote control for life. What I do have is time to do whatever and whenever. I'll kick myself later if I don't take advantage of it. Today I'm kicking myself for not being anywhere near to being stable.

So, I'm going to tell myself this, 'Self, get out of your head.'

On Love

Well Valentine's Day is this weekend and it's only appropriate that I address this day of foolishness, well not directly. This holiday is an annual memorandum for women who suffer from "bitter single life", a do or die for significant others to fill the day with the pink and red madness, and a bullshit way for retail to get a little biz in it's down period (I'm just saying). It's the love holiday of the romantic persuasion.

BUT REALLY...

I've had some time to assess what love is and what it's been made out to be. Pull up a chair and get your notebook.

I read a fellow blogger's post, maddecentmaf.blogspot.com, about his take on it. This wasn't necessarily a male's perspective because I wasn't seeking one. I sought a completely honest and pure answer of what it is and means. He said it plain and simple, love is the same way you feel and care about yourself for another person. Let's leave out what we've seen in romantic comedies and Disney movies. When we peel away all of the subcategories we find the same thing.

I found myself looking for love. How can I look for something I already have? I blame the brainwashing, the romanticized part of it. It's put out in radiowaves that we're suppose to find that one person who encompasses this special kind of love that we should want and need. Now don't get me wrong having a companion is wonderful, but if we seek love how can we see and appreciate what we already have.

If we're meant to have a companion for the rest of our lives then it will be. We can't think for a second that we can not function without this all encompassing love because we can. We do it now and tomorrow. As long as we have friends and family, then we're never without love.

Throwing Salt on Your Own Wound

At the moment I'm walking around with an open wound, still fresh and bleeding, and I can't wait for it to clot. Sometimes you pick at it simply because it's there and perhaps the healing process is annoying with the itching, the reminders. Mine isn't itching, I'm staring at mine in shock that's there. Did this just happen to me? Has it only been a week? I'm handling things better than I thought until I get alone with my thoughts and I can only hear my heart beating.

Right now I just did something that could've caused an uncomfortable sensation for the wound, salt. I don't know why I did this. Nevermind, yes I do and it's called denial.

We go through things in life and sometimes we make ourselves hurt worse than needed. Perhaps it's the healing process and we sometimes through ourselves into it so that it can be over quicker. I know this really doesn't make any sense. Life changes too rapidly for us to dwell on wounds, put a bandage on it and be careful with it. If you don't we'll get fixated by it giving the opportunity for something else to occur that isn't favorable. We focus on that and it's a cycle.

Personal Legend

If you recognize these words then you've probably read The Alchemist, a friend loaned me the book because I could use the message of the book. She was right. I tried reading the book a few months ago and I was half interested. I thought to myself o.k. we got this young sheperd roaming different lands with his flock, I'm not in the mood *closes book*. I usually love my page turners with some crazy romance, suspense thriller, or some intricate witty novel, but this one I'm taking my time with. I'm only on pg. 40 and I don't want the book to end. I have to say this is reminiscent of the Job and right now I'm started to feel like him.

Last week I was hit with a tough issue and a hard lesson learned. As the issue escalated it seemed like things were falling apart all around me. Now that I think about it, everything wasn't falling apart just back into place. I'll admit I lost track of what is important to me. Notice I haven't blogged in several weeks and it wasn't because I landed the job of my dreams. In the aftermath I wasn't feeling well and I stayed at home for a few days, something I haven't done since I've been in Chicago. After these days of rest I got up to face the world. It was scary because everything seemed so different. Everyday has it's purpose and it's your job to find out what it is and never see it as a day wasted.

But back to the Personal Legend, since I've neglected my reason for being (writing) I felt my life becoming this blackhole and life wasn't making sense anymore. Yes, people it was that serious. I am a writer my dear readers and in order for me to make a living off of my craft, I'll have to pour my heart out and create for my soul and you. If you haven't found out what you're suppose to seek in your life, be proactive and look, because if you don't you're merely existing. So for those who haven't read The Alchemist, at some point you need to. The first 40 pages reaffirmed the power of writing.

The Bad Decade

I want to apologize to my readers for taking my week off, but I needed it. You would think that because writing is my outlet that I would've came up with 10 new posts. I had to click the "refresh" button on the Wilder browser. I feel better and focused sometimes all you need to do is get away, just for a minute.

Back to the regularly scheduled program.

Today, I was at work conversing with a spunky older lady who comes into my store all the time and she said something that I've been hearing over the past week, 'This was a bad decade.'

Now, I'm only 23 so I haven't really experienced what it means to have a bad decade or year for that matter. Ms. Spunky wasn't refering to her life because many people don't break down their life into bad years or decades. Maybe it's just how life is, it gets rough and you recover. She was refering to the world, "I think people wanted to stay inside this year and be with loved ones." I usually ignore the world when it comes to my NYE reflection, but today I said to myself 'Wow, things didn't really start off promising in the new millenium.

I recall ringing in 2000 in my bed ready to pull the covers over my head because everyone said the world was going to end, computers would explode, or all major cities would just shut down. Well, nothing happened but as the years started rolling by a lot of unfortunate things were happening left and right. Today I think I'll initiate a new tradition and save NYD for pumping all the good energy I can for the world. I haven't gotten the logistics of it down, but I'm pretty sure you'll hear about it in 2011.

This will be my first really significant decade, the first one of my adult life and my hope is that there will be room for hope.

KEEP IT MOVING

There are times in your life where you begin to understand the type of person you are and that's how it's been for all of 2009. I've understood that I do not partake in confrontation despite my hard edge and sometimes in-your-face attitude. I can be a dominant person, but if someone else strolls through with the same personality I cower.

O.K. enough with the beating up myself part, let's uplift Wilder (and yourself). I am pretty damn resourceful and more than willing to take care of myself and my business. I'm also attentive and aware of my situation so I don't let anything fly under the radar.

Having these good qualities can be stressful because I know when it's time to move on. Real life is a constant motion (if you want it this way) and you always have to have a plan. I don't mean career. I mean how are you going to get to work, how much are those snow boots going to cost, and can you break a rule even though you're an adult (oops).


I'm only 23, but I've been told I'm mature for my age. I have a hard time believing that considering my life experience because I have yet to pay a month's rent or really balance a check book ~gasp~

The whole point of tonight's post is this no matter what you're situation is keep working towards something better, it will come. There's plenty of discomfort so find a place to rest your head or someone who makes the sun shine brighter.

Dear Friend,

So, I just got off the phone with one of my dear friends who is struggling in the job department. I know what you're thinking, 'well, aren't we all?' Yes, but this lady has been struggling for the past 3 years since she was handed her degree. Today she said, "I quit."

I think my heart sunk when I heard her say that. Actually, I know it did. I don't know what to say her. It's hard to see such a resilient person defeated. Can't say what sucks more it's either not being able to give any sound advice or not knowing what to do for my-damn-self.

Friend, we have to click the refresh button on our life browser because what we're doing isn't working. It's great to have dreams (sometimes they explode), but sometimes we have to tweek them. Do what you have to do (a 180), which is something out of your usual pattern to get stability. Sure, I still give my keep hope alive speech for the journalism industry, but I have to keep it real. I can have a career that pays and continue with my column and blog.

It's time that you and I step outside of our artistic selves and make a living.
Question: What do you do with creative people (like myself and my friend)?

Answer: You tell them to get a real job.

So Wilder in Real Life and friend have to get "real" jobs. Stay Tuned.

Sincerely,

WRL

The First Snow

It's been about a couple of days since it started snowing here in Chicago. No, it's not anything serious just flurries and the sticky mix of rain. As I look outside the white sheet resembles powder instead of ice. Back at home it snows, melts, freezes, melts, and it's no more.

Today I battled a tame Chicago wind to the Metra with the help of a coworker. I was equipped with my calf length down coat, snow boats, and obnoxious yet warm scarf. I made it back home in one piece, but I have to say this commute is going to be a beast this winter.

Now, that I'm all warm and comfy in my pjs, I look outside and appreciate how beautiful winter can be. I've never had a white Christmas and I guess this will be another one since I'll be flying home. I remember asking Santa for snow as a kid and I never got it. Well I'm in Chicago and have all the snow I could ever want.

Damn Miami sounds good right about now. Meanwhile I'm going to stick a beer in the snow.

Yes, it's because you're *insert nationality, ethnicity, religion, etc.*

This blog post will be about race, one of the most controversial topics to discuss in any American social setting. I thought I was comfortable with discussing this, but I found out today that I'm not.

I was in the lunchroom this morning at work prepping my bagel and one of my coworkers, we'll call him Joe, walks in and asks me how do I like the snow. I'll tell you right now that I'm from North Carolina and we have flurries and the whole place will shut down, but not in Chicago (business as usual). So, I told him I don't like the snow. Sure, it's pretty from the inside of your house but actually walking in it to get to work, eh not cool. Joe responds, "What is that a black thing?"

Car crash, train wreck, record screeching.

Yes, that's what he said. I pretended that I heard him wrong and just said "No, I do not like the snow. I'm Southern we don't know what to do with snow." He proceeds to add fuel to the fire "Well my black friends don't like snow." And I said, "It's a Southern thing."

That put a serious damper on my morning. Mainly because I was caught off guard, singled out, and didn't expect someone to have the audacity to say some bullshit like that, to my face. Now, I'm not sure who's reading my posts. I will say this if you've never been a minority I want you for a second to think of a time when you were the only one that looked like you in a room. Got it? Now, think about it if your life was like that every day what you see on t.v., your coworkers, and strangers on the street.

Do you still feel the same? If the answer is yes, then I'm not surprised because chances are you'll never know. I don't like to be put on display, be the token or caricature. Imagine any time you get put in a setting where you stand out people want to ask you questions like you're from a different planet. For a minute you might feel special and may continue to like it, but then there's that one moment where you'll feel alone. Then all you want to do is crawl in a hole to hide.

Still drawing a blank?

Bitch, I'm human and I have feelings too.

Fill in the Void

If you're working a part-time job when you should be working 40 hours a week then you can do this. Right now you might be feeling pretty miserable because you don't have any money or feel useless because your job isn't what you want. Get up and find a volunteer opportunity, it's a great resume builder, adds character, and you meet great people.

It sucks when you're wasting away to "One Life to Live" and fully conscious of it. Eventually it will eat you alive because you are capable of doing something spectacular. I currently volunteer maybe once or twice a week depending on my energy level in order to keep myself sane. Yea, yea, I know I'm not making any money and it's free labor. Actually, I'm not doing anything that is strenous and I have the option of leaving. I like the people where I volunteer and I like the cause, HIV/AIDS.

Volunteering has allowed me to meet people in Chicago that I wouldn't on my daily trek to the CTA Red Line. It fills in time that I might be wasting away in front of the t.v. or in bed sulking feeling like the most insignificant person on the planet. You get the point.

Sure, I could be hunting down another part-time job, my mother made a good point two part-time jobs don't equal benefits. My quest and mission is to find a full-time job, but until then I'll be filling it in with directing phone calls and clients. Also, you'll see some great changes coming to my blog; I'll be adding a new feature which will be profiles of intriguing and inspiring individuals in Chicago. I'm working on my story lines and I think you'll enjoy. Even better, these stories will be videos :)


Now, go help save the world or do what you love for free.

Happy New...oh I'm early

I think my new favorite holiday is New Year's because it brings hope. Every year I either write in a ratty marble notebook or have a conversation with God around midnight.

I was doing my job search I thought of the scene from Sex and the City The Movie as Carrie is rushing over to Miranda's. The most original version of "Auld Lang Syne" was playing and I thought to myself damn this holiday is either spent heaving over a toilet bowl or at home eating Chinese watching the ball drop. I thought of the words to the song and the feeling I get every time I hear it. A song of remembrance. The year isn't quite over yet, but I have a lot to reflect on and to hope for.


New Year's Eve reminds me that things can be new again, but not be forgotten.


"We twa hay pedilt in the burn,
fray mornin sun til dyn;
But seas between us bred hay roard
sin ald lang syn."

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

I have to say I felt like I've vanished from the radar for the past couple of weeks maybe more. I'm adapting to change and doing MORE serious thinking (it never ends I swear). I tried to picture myself once again doing something other than being a story teller and an open book to my life, nothing seems to fit.

I spoke with a lady who I want to be my mentor and she said something that has stuck with me. "You're going to have to make your own way." Meaning, I will have to create my own opportunities. At first it was empowering that I have total control over where my career is going to go and then I got scared. Yes, I'm still scared. What if I slack off (guilty as charged)or even take the "easy" way out? But then I said to myself "Self, do you feel like you're growing at this very moment?" Myself said "No." Now, this means I have to constantly work towards what I want. I don't have anyone cracking the whip on me because I am an adult and I make my own decisions.

If I want to get anywhere in life I have to be more than willing to put the work in. I had an acquaintance back in college who used say "No days off." I used to call him crazy for pushing and going all the time. Now it makes sense you didn't get anywhere by taking days off. When I go to work, it's not even work, I do that so I can get around town and get my necessities. The real work comes in when I rest my screaming feet as I beat the keys trying to make my next move.

My previous post is actually about the same thing, but without references. I'm coming clean and being honest with myself. As much of a dreamer and a pusher I am, I do fall off the wagon. I slack off and forget what am I doing and why, but once you hit that hard ground you hop back on.

So, I have to make a promise to myself and to my readers. I, Wilder, promise to update my blog at least weekly because it is important to my well-being and career.


Have you fallen off the wagon today?

Whatever it Takes...

I'm currently reading the book Outliers: A Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell thanks to a recommendation made by a blogger I follow. The book is about people who tend to excel academically, professionally, physically, etc. Gladwell gives the idea that these outliers are born into circumstances that allow them to thrive. Sure, a privileged background and encourage parents are advantages, but also the year an individual was born or even what was their ancestor's trade. He also points out something that I feel that I could perhaps be neglected, time. It is the time you put into a craft will determine how well you will succeed. So it takes 10,000 hours for one to be an expert in their field.



I have aspirations to be this great columnist and story teller. I obviously have the drive (ignore my sparse blog posts)because I do have a monthly column and I'm constantly reaching out for someone to guide me. It's whether I take the guidance that I'm constantly offered will determine whether I will be successful. Here's why, I was a teacher for a brief stint and was encouraged to pursue this career. These individuals believed I was good (potential to be great) at it and there is a need for not only qualified but talented teachers. If I thrived off of flattery I would have probably stuck around Eastern North Carolina and taught. The problem with me teaching was I didn't want it. But the real point I'm trying to make is this if I don't take heed to my "circumstances" and back out I could easily be conducting a parent-teacher conference.

If there is something you are dying to do and you're constantly in a "circumstance" to take advantage of it, do it. I haven't completed the book, but I'm starting to believe that everyone has a bit of outlier within them. In some way, shape, or form you can do anything you set your mind to. *Chris Langan, who was a contestant on the NBC game show 1 vs. 100, has an I.Q. of at least 195. His "circumstances" of unreliable transportation and scarce financial means withheld him from exercising his genius.


The book is definitely an eye opener and has given me a boost for work ethic. When I feel like I've done enough, then I should probably do more.
















*Langan was profiled in The Outliers.

Out of Nowhere

This move to Chicago is the biggest transition (right next to graduating) I've ever experienced. Now, don't get me wrong I think this guy is da bomb dot com. I just think it's funny how you're never ready for what life gives you. I could've been given a broken leg *knocks on wood* and figure out how I'm going to stand up at work all day. I was given someone who wants to spend time with me and I with him.




So, I have tripped right into a relationship at what seems like the most inconvenient time of my life.
I sat down and planned out (in my head) when would be the right time to be in a relationship. It went a little something like after I get a full-time job, moved out of my family's place, revamping my personal style (yea, petty I know), and a steady circle of friends. I also thought I needed time to figure out myself, but that's an ongoing process. I haven't been in a relationship in two years, maybe my self evaluation time has lapsed.

There's a newbie at work and she was telling me how much she wants a boyfriend. This reminds me of myself a few months ago. I was hung up on an ex and felt like poo because of the down time in my career. It seemed like I needed someone to make me happy. My uncle said it best "You need to do what makes Lauren happy and someone will come along." He said this after I started dating Mr. Wonderful and my very wise uncle is right. No way in hell would I find someone if I was still moping over the past. I can't be happy if I need someone else to do it. Yes, you can do bad all by yourself, thanks mom.

I wanted to date because I wanted a companion to navigate the city with me. There have been numerous occasions that I've gone places alone, which was fine but I thought damn it would be cool to share this with someone. I got more what I asked for and I am elated.

Another thing I've learned about dating is that you aren't suppose to go in expecting something. You'll get disappointed every time. Dating is suppose to be fun and informal, so go ahead and throw out that criteria list. Sure be open, but make sure your comfortable meaning don't go out with anyone you really have no interest in getting to know.

To my dear coworker find things that make you happy and everything will fall into place, just not perfectly.









If you ever want to make God (Allah, Jehovah, Shiva, Buddha, etc) laugh tell him your plan.

WHAT AM I THANKFUL FOR?

For the past 3 years or maybe more I have dedicated a note on Facebook to giving thanks. I'm a few weeks early for Thanksgiving, but I give thanks every day. Here goes...

1. I am thankful to be in Chicago. Living in a town of 25,000 people will suck the life out of you.

2. I am thankful for my aunt and uncle for their never ending support and love, you are my roots in this crazy city.

3. I am thankful for the lunch combos at Frankie's Restaurant because I have assassinated Potbelly's.

4. I am thankful for the Chicago skyline for being the perfect back drop to my nights out

5. I am thankful for the CTA Redline even though I feel like I need to burn my clothes when I exit.

6. I am thankful for having the courage to let things and people go.

7. I am thankful for this lovely man that just walked through the door.

8. I am thankful for not changing my career path despite the pissy economy. Stay true to what you want.

9. I am thankful for the new Michael Kors store in my mall. I'm not sure why I just am.

10. I am thankful for my mom letting me take flight.

I'll probably add more to my list as Thanksgiving approaches, but what are you thankful for? Let's name things that are small, but are quite significant.

Hair Nappy But am I Happy?!

This past weekend I went to forum for women with natural hair. At first I was hesitant as there was talk of one through a MeetUp group, a website that allows you to join groups with common interests, but I thought it was ridiculous. Were African American women with natural hair really having that much trouble that there needed to be a forum? Well the answer is yes and I'll admit lately I've had the same problems. Maybe it's because I try to force my dry hair through a comb to make an afro. Or it could be a phase of wanting to change my hair.

At the forum I shared my experience of releasing myself from a relaxer and people who want to touch my hair. As many people know touching hair brings questions and comments that may make an African American women feel uncomfortable. For example, I work retail part-time and there was a woman from Texas. I already knew what to expect loud and maybe a little ignorant, but for some reason I gave her pass. So she said in a very distinct Texan accent, "I just love your hair. You know I'm from Corpus Christi and there not that many black people there..." Go ahead and pump the brakes, she was doing so well when she began with a compliment. "I have only one black friend and I ask her about hair and she doesn't like to talk about it. I just want to know how do you get your hair like that?" I'll tell you right now I don't like a lot of attention on me unless I initiate it. It also doesn't make me feel to great when I'm temporarily deemed the voice of African American women by one curious person. I responded politely, "No, it's o.k. better. Well, my hair grows this way and it's because of the texture of my hair that it can hold certain styles." Whew, that was easier than I thought. "Thank you, it's really beautiful," the Texan replied.

I have to say hearing some of the stories at the forum made me feel like it's o.k. and that I'm not alone. You know, black girl power hooraahhh. Then I pondered on this topic some more. Are African American women the only ones who struggle with their natural hair? Is it that serious? What is the simple solution?

Well I flipped through this month's Essence and they had a discussion amongst women with natural and relaxed hair. It was similar to the discussion I had with the ladies. Struggle, weaves, products, and breakage. And to no avail no solution, just the usual annoyance. Maybe the solution is a personal one.

Last night I spoke with my uncle and he said, "What is this trouble (with natural hair) you're talking about?" I explained that African American women have a hard time dealing with their natural hair. Let's think about what I just said and pick out a few words. Hard and dealing. This just doesn't sound right at all, "The problem is that everyone wants to have white hair." He told me about an old photo from his fraternity where the majority of the men had their hair conked (relaxed). "They wanted white hair," he said. I thought about it some more and a light bulb went off. Was I forcing a comb my hair even though it's not meant to be combed to perhaps emulate white women in hair commercials running a brush through their silky manes with ease? Um, um, yea. Deep down I want my hair to be easy to comb, be long and shiny, and dare I say it bounce. By me trying to comb my hair is reflecting that I am struggling with my hair.



My uncle went on to say that African women don't struggle with their hair, they braid it. I don't think he meant to say this as fact because maybe there are some African women who may find themselves struggling with their hair. However, African American women wouldn't struggle with their hair if they didn't use relaxers. This shock of "how am I going to do my hair" comes from having straight hair for years. Roller wraps, layers, and hair that blows gracefully in the wind, wouldn't matter if we didn't relax in the first place.

Moving right along. I had a similar discussion with my friend Angela, who firmly believes that her hair doesn't define her. Now, I'm not concluding if you have a relaxer you automatically don't like yourself, you may just like a certain style. I will say that if the thought of your in it's most natural state makes you cringe, then "Houston, we have a problem." You didn't pop out the womb with the relaxer, probably started off in childhood with afro puffs, braids and beads, or twisted ponytails.

So, whatever your hair type is, are you happy?

Basement Dweller

O.k. to my graduates in the recession I know you're feeling the blow to the market. I have to say this, keep your head up. It's easier said than done. You want to know why? Well, for one I have uprooted out of my home state to Chicago only to feel like I'm STILL not doing shit. Yes, I am a writer and we live a lifestyle that's pretty free, even bohemian in some cases. I write from the downtown public library which is the craziest place to get work done. There are so many different things going on from a someone amping on a librarian for a frozen computer to the stranger who decided it was a good idea to tap me on the shoulder to say, "GOTCHA!" Yea that really did happen. Anyway, at the moment I feel like a total loser. I'm definitely not getting paid for what I do. I often beat myself up because I've opted out of going to graduate school. For some reason I feel I can make it by just doing what I love without formal training.

On my days off from a part-time retail job, they are work days. This is where I write in my journal, search for jobs, work on my resume, and click the refresh button on my email hoping a new networking opportunity will change the number on my inbox. It's a sad thing, but it is the life I live. Oh to feel even more like I loser, I'm staying with my family. It sounds smart because I don't have to really struggle. I have to say I feel pretty damn worthless when I have yet another day off and can't fill it up with anything else. I've decided to use this blog, to strenghten my writing and God help me a fan base. Now my blog is also a column for The P3 Power Boost, a professional women's magazine. I think it's quite appropriate for young people who feel like they're alone in the struggle to find work. Even if it doesn't get to someone like myself at least I know it's getting read.

So whether you're with the 'rents or a family's place, staying with 5 roommates, or alone living in what looks like walk in closet, you're not alone. I was told that this is the time where I'm really free to do anything. Then I thought about my bank account, yea right. However, it's not all about money (in the long run it is), but while I don't have kids, a mortgage, or a spouse I can do whatever I want. I can go hang out at all hours, work for free, and change my mind on anything.

I keep telling myself that this is a great time in my life, but why I do feel like such a bum?