Growing Pains of the Mind

So, I was taking the train this morning trying to come up with a plan B. Turns out it's my last resort plan. I've only been in Chicago for 6 months + and I'm already turning to the do or die. Right now at this very moment I'm not in the mood to go through any extended process if I don't have to (looks like I do though). Jobs don't work that way and life doesn't either.

It could be perhaps I have a ton of other things on my mind that I should probably address while trying to move forward. Nothing's worse than a brain concentrating on something else when you need it to work properly.

Anyway so the title of this entry "Growing Pains of the Mind" is about the things you go through that only exist in your head. You're sad, worried, anxious, confused, etc. How do you deal with these things? I'd love to be like some of my resilient friends and brush stuff off and keep moving. Maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit and I am one of those people. My friends are not saying they don't think about problems/issues they've been through, they just don't dwell. I guess right now I have this desire to fast forward through the "struggling" part of my life and get to easy street or when things get better.

I'll take a step back and look at this.

Who says things will be later on? What I go forward too far and miss an opportunity? Well, I don't have the option to be frozen in a capsule or have access to the remote control for life. What I do have is time to do whatever and whenever. I'll kick myself later if I don't take advantage of it. Today I'm kicking myself for not being anywhere near to being stable.

So, I'm going to tell myself this, 'Self, get out of your head.'

On Love

Well Valentine's Day is this weekend and it's only appropriate that I address this day of foolishness, well not directly. This holiday is an annual memorandum for women who suffer from "bitter single life", a do or die for significant others to fill the day with the pink and red madness, and a bullshit way for retail to get a little biz in it's down period (I'm just saying). It's the love holiday of the romantic persuasion.

BUT REALLY...

I've had some time to assess what love is and what it's been made out to be. Pull up a chair and get your notebook.

I read a fellow blogger's post, maddecentmaf.blogspot.com, about his take on it. This wasn't necessarily a male's perspective because I wasn't seeking one. I sought a completely honest and pure answer of what it is and means. He said it plain and simple, love is the same way you feel and care about yourself for another person. Let's leave out what we've seen in romantic comedies and Disney movies. When we peel away all of the subcategories we find the same thing.

I found myself looking for love. How can I look for something I already have? I blame the brainwashing, the romanticized part of it. It's put out in radiowaves that we're suppose to find that one person who encompasses this special kind of love that we should want and need. Now don't get me wrong having a companion is wonderful, but if we seek love how can we see and appreciate what we already have.

If we're meant to have a companion for the rest of our lives then it will be. We can't think for a second that we can not function without this all encompassing love because we can. We do it now and tomorrow. As long as we have friends and family, then we're never without love.

Throwing Salt on Your Own Wound

At the moment I'm walking around with an open wound, still fresh and bleeding, and I can't wait for it to clot. Sometimes you pick at it simply because it's there and perhaps the healing process is annoying with the itching, the reminders. Mine isn't itching, I'm staring at mine in shock that's there. Did this just happen to me? Has it only been a week? I'm handling things better than I thought until I get alone with my thoughts and I can only hear my heart beating.

Right now I just did something that could've caused an uncomfortable sensation for the wound, salt. I don't know why I did this. Nevermind, yes I do and it's called denial.

We go through things in life and sometimes we make ourselves hurt worse than needed. Perhaps it's the healing process and we sometimes through ourselves into it so that it can be over quicker. I know this really doesn't make any sense. Life changes too rapidly for us to dwell on wounds, put a bandage on it and be careful with it. If you don't we'll get fixated by it giving the opportunity for something else to occur that isn't favorable. We focus on that and it's a cycle.